Real 911 calls

Killer Standup
  • Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
  • Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
  • Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
  • Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

  • Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
  • Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
  • Dispatcher: Excuse me?
  • Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
  • Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
  • Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

  • Dispatcher: 911
  • Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
  • Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
  • Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
  • Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
  • Caller: No
  • Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
  • Caller: Running from the Police.

  • Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
  • Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
  • Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
  • Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
  • Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
  • Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

  • Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
  • Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
  • Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
  • Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

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